Sample Feedback: Betta’s Song Chapter One Excerpt Critique

Workshop: An Introduction to Writing for Children and Young Adults

Many organizations that offer contests have a rubric that their first readers are often given to judge quality, using numbers one to five with five as the highest. Then the highest scored entries are passed along to the final judges. The basic intent is to identify the “catch” of the opening chapter, regardless of genre.

Also there is more than one reader per entry so it’s the total score that moves forward. As readers we all have inherent desires for any story we read. Some want deep character angst, some are more engaged by action or setting or curiosity. So the same first chapter could have high marks from one reader and low from another in the same box.

After participating as a preliminary judge for several years I decided to develop my own introductory analysis for my clients as an general overview first step. Not every category may be relevant for an immediate first chapter, depending on genre and depth of subject, but they should all be clarified by the end of the novel opening—which is usually by the third chapter.

Or for young readers many of these may need to be clarified within the first few  sentences or paragraphs. The main purpose is to establish what the first impressions are. Is the reader connecting to the character or dilemma or possibilities? And do they want to read on when the chapter ends? That is the crux.

So go ahead and apply this outline to the whole chapter of Attack, or to an opening chapter in a book you are now reading.

Share: According to this overview do you think there are any holes in this opening chapter than should have been addressed or clarified? What makes you want to read on? Or not?

                                                   Read deep, marcy

First Chapter Analysis Guideline, by Marcy Weydemuller

Opening First Impression

Story Writing Strengths

Story Writing Weaknesses

Delivery Strengths

Delivery Weaknesses

Story Question

Main Character

Setting

            Time

            Place

            Season

Atmosphere

Genre Specifics

Read On?

Sample Feedback: Betta’s Song Chapter One Excerpt 4

Workshop: An Introduction to Writing for Children and Young Adults

Attack (4)

Narah crawled toward their hut. More horses galloped to the channel’s edge, reared and turned back. She flattened herself against the bank, sobbing. Two people struggled above her. Narah gasped. Iscah was desperately clinging to a large water basket. The soldier wrenched it from her grasp and flung it into the stream. Iscah let out a piercing wail and collapsed into a heap. Narah slid down the bank toward the water. The basket had lodged between two boulders and was rocking back and forth. Jael! Jael must be hidden inside. Trembling, Narah looked up. Black smoke billowed over the bank. She dashed into the water, grabbed off the lid. Jael was crouched inside choking on sobs. Narah pulled her out and kicked the basket loose to drift.

            “Come, Jael, come.”

            Narah hugged Jael tight and ran as fast as she could back down the channel around the bend. She stopped at the cave to push Jael in.

            “Go, Jael, go to the back.”

            Jael whimpered and clung to Narah. Narah took deep, gasping breaths. “Narah is coming too.” Narah crawled into the narrow opening. Jael buried her face in Narah’s lap. “Big sister,” she cried, then sobbed silently.

            Narah stiffened at the sound of splashing in the water. She edged backwards and lay on her stomach, eyes hidden behind the grass window. She froze. Their footprints were scattered all over the damp bank. A large, burly man rushed from the bend. Balak! Narah shook as Jael continued to cling, whimpering. Balak stopped for a moment and tilted his head as if listening. Then he strode upstream.

            Narah reached for a branch. Leaning forward as far as possible, she brushed their footprints, smearing them, but couldn’t reach the ones near the water. The ground shook again. The horses were in the stream. Narah pulled Jael to the back of the cave. The thunder grew closer. Her eyes fixed on the grass curtain, Narah rocked herself and Jael back and forth like Betta did when she sang to her after a bad dream.

Share: In what way do you connect to Narah emotionally in this scene? Or not? What makes the difference?

Read deep, marcy

Sample Feedback: Betta’s Song Chapter One Excerpt 3

Workshop: An Introduction to Writing for Children and Young Adults

Attack (3)

            Narah slid down the steep slope to the waterbed. The channel was low today. She waded a few yards to a thick patch of tall grass her grandmother needed. With swift expertise Narah examined and picked the best pieces. Wrapping them together carefully, she laid them on the bank while searching out a special bouquet for Timon. Her hair kept falling in her face, slowing her progress. The narrow channel wound a jagged path through the rolling brown hills down from the mountains. Not many miles past their village towards the grasslands, it became a trickle and went underground.

            “I wonder if the tiny, blue flowers are open yet?” Narah’s voice rippled in the silence.

            She walked along the river’s edge to the far end of the village land, then into the water to round the narrow bend. The flowers glistened in the hot sun, their deep, dark blue a contrast to the pale sky. She bent low under a canopy of shiny leaves. The shallow stream had exposed Narah’s special hiding cave. She started to clear the debris from its entrance. A few feet into the cave the mud walls turned to rock and opened into a small tunnel. Narah liked to crawl inside to cool off on hot summer days. Although the other village children seldom came past the bend, Narah had often fashioned a grass overhang to hide the entrance.

            Narah hummed as she worked. Flies joined her, buzzing back and forth over her head. Hot sun warmed her back. A donkey brayed in the village, followed by muffled voices scolding.

            Bits of twigs, grass and mud covered Narah’s arms. She slid down to the stream to wash, then she lay in the sun. Above her an eagle swooped, diving and soaring.

            “How far to the next village, eagle? Can you see it?” Narah closed her eyes. “I will fix Betta a bed of our pillows,” she yawned, “to ease the shaking and the bumps of the cart tomorrow. Are you, too, going to hear the prophet? My uncle Timon is with him,” she mumbled drowsily.

Screams pierced Narah’s dreams. She sat up, startled, not sure where she was. The ground shook like a thunderstorm. Dust and smoke filled the air. Fire! A fire in the village. Narah ran through the stream, heedless of the rocks cutting into her feet.

            “Betta, Betta,” she sobbed.

            She scrambled up the steep bank, and ducked instinctively as a huge, black horse reared, narrowly missing Narah’s head. Horses? Narah cowered in the grass. Through the smoke she could barely make out figures. Soldiers and horses were dragging women and children into carts, and then setting the huts on fire. Narah choked. “Grandmother!”

Share: In what way do the sensory details strengthen or weaken the setting? How?

Read deep, marcy

Sample Feedback: Betta’s Song Chapter One Excerpt 2

Workshop: An Introduction to Writing for Children and Young Adults

Attack (2)

“Are you not afraid of Balak? Sometimes I think he makes the boys throw things at me. No one tries to hurt me except when he is there.” She felt a thin line of moisture form along her forehead. Drops glistened against the thick, black hair pulled back from her face exposing her hairline scar. She continued to tremble and her hands shook.

Betta rested her hand on Narah’s shoulder. Betta hesitated. “Narah, you have not fainted for several months now.”

Narah’s slight body still shook. “Will there…..will there be many people tomorrow, Betta?”

            “Yes, but you need not speak to anyone, Narah, if you do not wish to. You can stay by my side at all times. You may find that your fear of people has left you now that you are eleven and there no one will know you. No one will bother to tease you or try to frighten you. We are all going to hear the prophet. That is on everyone’s mind. Remember we will spend time with Timon, too.” Betta chuckled. “Won’t he be surprised to see us!”

            Narah clasped her hands together. “Oh Betta, I can’t wait to see his face. I shall fix him his favorite flowers from the stream. Will there be room in the cart?”

            “I’m sure we can fit them in. Be careful, the bank is slippery.”

            “How do you know?” Narah asked. Then she pointed at her grandmother’s canes. “There’s bits of mud on the bottoms. Betta, you are not supposed to go to the stream without me.”

“I did not,” Betta smiled. “I just hobbled along the top edge. It is such a pretty day. I do need some of the tall willow grass near rock point. The large basket still has to be edged, and if I can finish today, it will dry tomorrow while we are gone.”

            Narah smiled and Elizabeth murmured a prayer of thanksgiving for protection, then she hugged Narah. “Go now to pick your flowers for Timon and a handful of grass for me.”

            Narah blinked at the bright sun as she stepped outside. First she looked toward the village, but the pathway was empty. She glanced at the only other hut set apart with theirs from the other villagers. Iscah, their friend, dozed in the shade rocking her new baby. Her three year old, Jael, sucking her thumb, slept beside her. Narah smiled. Even when asleep, Jael must dream of food.

Share: What positive or negative personality trigger points do you identify for each character? Why?

Read deep, marcy

Sample Feedback: Betta’s Song Chapter One Excerpt 1

Workshop: An Introduction to Writing for Children and Young Adults

Revising requires re-seeing.” Jack Hodgins

What kind of feedback will you need? Each of us has personal strengths and weaknesses. And we all need at least one or two critical readers for our projects. One of the most important skills a writer can develop, says Hodgins, is to develop the ability to read your own work as if it had been written by another, and learn to listen to your story.

Since Betta’s Song is now published, I’m hoping that its feedback has passed the test. And yet, each reader has different criteria regarding whether they want to read on or not.

Attack (1)

“Narah, stop fidgeting!”

            Narah, face flushed, turned around to face her grandmother. Twinkling blue eyes softened the old woman’s words.

“Child, you are too restless, you will become feverish.”

            Narah crossed the small room to lean against her grandmother. Stroking the weathered cheek, Narah breathed deeply, sighing. “It is such a long wait, Betta.”

            “Is your wait one of excitement, child, or are you nervous?” Betta tilted Narah’s face upward.

Before she could reply a muffled curse sounded outside their door and Narah dodged behind her grandmother. Betta motioned to a thin basket in the dim corner and Narah yanked it next to them.

            “Good day, Balak.” Betta nodded as he stomped through the doorway. “Your basket is ready but still damp. Narah was to deliver it to your wife by the supper hour.”

            “Your stupid brat should be working the fields, Elizabeth.” Balak wove unsteadily, peering around the room. “Instead she hides behind you. The wife needs extra help. I will take her.”

            Betta grasped Narah’s shaking body. “I am sorry to hear your wife is in need, Balak, but as I cannot walk today, Narah will stay with me. Some families are bringing their babies to us while they work the fields this afternoon.”

            Balak snarled and threw a small pouch in Betta’s lap. A trickle of flour seeped through. “You and your brat would starve if not for us, Elizabeth.” He leaned into Elizabeth’s face. “You need to be more grateful.”

            Elizabeth gripped her canes as she rose. Balak stepped backward. “Thank your wife for the flour, Balak. I hope your work in the fields goes well today.”

            Balak’s face reddened, then he turned abruptly, snatching the basket as he left. Narah eased her grandmother back into her seat and scooped the spilled flour into a wooden bowl.

            “He was angry, Betta, when you mentioned the fields.”

            “Of course, child. Do you see other men standing around the village mid-day? They are all hard at work.”

Share: What is your immediate first impression of these three characters? Why? What one word might you choose for each?

Read deep, marcy

Overview Voice: Third Person Point of View

Workshop: An Introduction to Writing for Children and Young Adults

The third person point of view, sometimes referred to as limited omniscient, chooses a central character and tells the story through her thoughts, feelings, and experience.

One advantage of this focus is the ability to give some distance for general information and also become a close-up for personal insight. For example, here’s an excerpt from my MG novel Betta’s Song.

“The sun was descending when Jael began to fuss again. After the song she rested quietly all afternoon on Narah’s back, even when the sun beat down on them hot and fierce. The hills had gradually been growing steeper. Narah’s whole body hurt.

“Look Jael, see the hill ahead. On the other side must be the village. It is a day’s walk and we have walked all day. Soon we will have food and water.”

Narah angled her body into the climb to balance Jael’s weight and slowly pushed upward eagerly. Finally the top! Then she slumped to her knees in disbelief. No village, no people, nothing, but instead miles of rolling hills with a heavy veil hanging over them. It was the Valley of Shimmering Heat.”

Hopefully, in this episode, I’ve connected the readers to the danger the girls are now in as well as Narah’s sense of responsibility and emotional exhaustion. And raised the question, what will happen next?

Nancy Lamb, Crafting Stories for Children, considers that the advantages for third person, single point of view, offer the advantages that the reader identifies with a specific character, and “your narrative horizons are expanded.” She adds that the “opportunity to interpret events is enlarged.”

This advantage became a strong factor in this novel as not only did Narah need to go deep emotionally, but also had to follow several relational threads and a mystery. It would not have been possible to track the perceptions she needed to identify and experience in her upheaval. in  a different point of view.

Action Steps:

            One disadvantage considered for this point of view is the same as for first person in that the story is limited to one character. However, when you do use multiple third person you can also risk losing a focal point with too many opinions.

1.     Choose a short story or scene that is told in a limited pov and expand it to be told from another’s viewpoint as well.

2.     Then take a chapter or scene that is using third person for two or three character and rewrite from only one.

            Share: What got lost or gained in each variation?

Read deep, marcy

Betta’s Song Book Launch

Betta’s Song Book Launch

 Family, Faith, Mystery, Courage, Choices, Action and Adventure.

When bandit soldiers raid eleven-year-old Narah’s village, she finds herself abandoned except for toddler Jael. While attempting to reach her uncle in the next town, they are found by foreign Suman soldiers who send them to a hostile household as servants.

Can Narah overcome her fear enough to uncover hidden secrets and reach out to help others, including her enemies? Will her compassion for others, her desire to be reunited with her grandmother, and her growing faith in the Most High God be enough to sustain her through her trials?

E-book. Ages 8-12

Available now on Amazon: Marcy Weydemuller

                                               

Click on the cover and go straight to Amazon. Hope you enjoy her story. If so, please take a few minutes to post a review, or a star rating, or both. Thanks!

Read Deep

                                                           Marcy